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Marge’s Christmas Message with the Video File

This document is done
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transcript

(Marge is humming as she pulls a tray of Christmas cookies out of the oven. She is dressed in an apron and has candy-cane earrings. She turns to the camera.)
Marge: Oh, hello! I wasn’t expecting visitors!

(Bart enters)

Bart: Mom, what are you talking about? You were in makeup for an hour!
Marge: Bart, shhh!
Bart: This isn’t even our house. (He walks up to the camera and swivels it around so it shows that they are on a set) We’re on a soundstage at Pinewood Studios.

(Marge turns the camera back to the kitchen. She laughs nervously.)

Marge: …Anyway, each year at Christmastime, we take a moment to reflect on the important events of the last year. My husband Homer and I have never been happier. Our marriage is as solid as the union between your David Beckham and Posh Spice! (A faint sound emerges from her earpiece. She lifts up her finger, then gasps) He DID? With his ASSISTANT? That’s so sad. Okayyyy, moving on… Lisa, our eight-year-old, continued to pursue her passion for progressive causes. (resentful) She successfully sued to stop me from saying grace at dinner. So, THAT’s over now!

(Lisa walks into the shot holding a sign saying “UK OUT OF CORNWALL”, surprising Marge)

Lisa: Free Cornwall now! Free Cornwall now! Rydhsys rag Kernow lemmyn! Rydhsys rag Kernow lemmyn! (She walks off)
Marge: Great! Let’s see, and in world events, the friendship between America and Britain is stronger than ever. You’re like Mini-Me to our Doctor Evil, helping out in all our zany schemes to take over the world! (imitates Austin Powers) Haha, yeah baby!

(Homer enters, dressed as Father Christmas, complete with the staff, robes, and horn which are absent from most American representations of Santa Claus)

Homer: Ho, ho, ho!
Marge: Oh, my goodness, it’s a visit from Father Christmas!
Homer: Yes, my… (confused) Who the hell is Father Christmas? I thought I was supposed to be Santa Claus!

(cut to Lisa, still holding her Cornwall protest sign)

Lisa: (quiet voice) They’re the same guy!
Homer: (whispering to Marge) Which one is Jesus’ grandfather?
Marge: (reproving) They both are!
Homer: He has TWO grandfathers? They’re gay?
Marge: Oh, would you please just give your Christmas message to the nice people of Great Britain?
Homer: Okay. This one goes out to all the mods, rockers, toffs, tossers, gits, twits, chimney sweeps, flocks of sheeps, hooligans, 007s, and a smashing bird named Queen Elizabeth! (He sings to the tune of “Rule Britannia”) Merry Christmas, my friends in the UK! What the hell’s the deal with Boxing Day? (Marge buries her face in her hand and shakes her head)

(They begin walking to the left, where they are joined by Snowball II in a red sweater, Santa’s Little Helper in a Santa cap, Bart, Lisa — without her sign — and Maggie.)

Marge: Alright, that was Marge Simpson’s Christmas message! Now join all the Simpsons in a traditional British wassail!

(The family takes mugs off the table. They all drink)

Director: (British accent) Cut! That’s a wrap!
(Everyone spits out the punch in disgust)
Lisa: Uggghh, that is HORRIBLE!
Bart: It tastes like hurl!

(As Homer talks, the cat and dog lap up some of the expectorated brew. They promptly cough it up)

Homer: Can I get a beer around here? A COLD one?
Marge: Okay, everyone, five minutes! Then we do “Marge Simpson’s Christmas message to Italy.”

(Lisa and Homer whine. A crewman wheels in a bucket of, er, some Italian Christmas thing. A little help, someone?)

Marge: (trying to pronounce “buon giorno”) “Buon… Jerno”? “Bon-jjerno”? “Bonn Giornooo”? “Bon Ji…” Ah, it’ll be fine.

video link

download christmas message in Quick Time format (10mb – high quality file)

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